Aside from a pre-off-the-rails Mel Gibson being miraculously adept at reading Helen Hunt's lady-brains in ‘What Women Want,’ it’s pretty much a given that no one knows what the opposite gender is thinking, ever.

Until now, of course: we finally have an end to a mystery that is eclipsed in age and debate only by the creation of the universe itself: What do they WANT?

A new survey for provides the answers that all of humankind has been seeking ever since men first started clubbing women over the head and bringing them back to their caves to "show them their high-end stegosaurus stick figure art collection," or whatever the line may have been at the time.

The survey asked men and women what qualities they judge most when it comes to members of the opposite sex. What came in at number among women? Hint: it’ll leave you at a floss for words. No, not horrendous puns – it’s teeth. Yes, 71% of women say they judge a man on his grill. Interestingly, teeth was also number one when it came to the qualities men judge women on most. So really, the moral here is to go out and buy some Aquafresh, stat.

If you have a pearly set of whites, it may not mean as much if the words that come out of your plaque-free mouth don't sound no good. That’s because grammar was second on the list, with 69% of women saying they judge men on that.

Out of the 10 choices, the electronic devices men carry brought up the rear, with 10% saying that matters. We get the sense the woman from all those T-Mobile ads had something to do with that, but that's another study for another time.

Ten things on which women judge men most:

1. Teeth: 71%
2. Grammar: 69%
3. Clothes  58%
4. Hair: 53%
5. Nails/hands: 52%
6. Having/not having a tattoo: 34%
7. Shoes: 29%
8. The car they drive: 24%
9. Accent: 22%
10. Electronic devices they carry: 10%

The survey also tried to decipher women’s top “must haves” in a relationship. Being treated with respect came out as number one, with 84% of women claiming it’s essential. Guess they didn’t talk to anyone who’s ever gone out with Chris Brown, huh? The list was also filled with the hokey “needs a sense of humor” and “can communicate effectively,” yet there was no response for “money,” which clearly shows no one from ‘The Real Housewives’ franchise took part in this survey, either.

Women’s top “must haves” in a relationship:

1. Treats me with respect: 84%
2. The person is someone I can trust and confide in: 77%
3. Has a sense of humor/makes me laugh: 58%
4. Shares the same values as I do: 47%
5. Is comfortable communicating his wants, needs and desires: 46%

As for men, they said their biggest must-have is someone they can trust and confide in. Really? Really? Was “big rack” not an option?